CorpComms Magazine

1 Create a myth and stick to itI admit - I have the best one in the world, but I have spent many centuries getting it just right. I deliver toys and gifts to all well-behaved children across the world on one night. And, more importantly, I do it for free. It's almost too good to be true. Beat that, Amazon!

2 Ignore current trends

If Trinny and Susannah had their way, I would be dressed in low-slung jeans and a roll-neck jumper - and likely get mistaken for a cat burglar. My advice is to stick to an image that works for you. Anyway, I think my white whiskers look distinguished against the red robe. Okay, so some people have an aversion to facial hair - that Rasputin set the cause of the beard back decades - but I really don't have time to shave on Christmas Eve. Do you know how many parcels I have to gift-wrap?

3 Rely on a simple slogan

I know the marketing specialists try to complicate things, but what do they know? I've used 'ho, ho, ho' for generations, and for me, it works. There were some problems in Asia a few years back when a Mr Ho thought I was making fun of his new triplets, but that misunderstanding was soon sorted out.

4 Copyright your brand idea

If I had done this, I could have retired centuries ago. Have you any idea how many Father Christmases or Santa's Grottos there are every year? Nor do I, but I'm betting it runs into hundreds of thousands. If I had copyrighted the idea, I could control the people who pretend to be me - no more of these 'resting' actors who 'ho ho ho' like they're starring in Hamlet. Causes me no end of problems with disbelievers who think I don't give appropriate emphasis to the second 'ho'.

5 Amend your brand according to international trends

In some countries they prefer me to arrive on December 6, and put sweets in their shoes. In the Netherlands I travel with an ethically dubious character by the name of Zwarte Piet, or Black Pete.

6 Ignore political correctness and diversity calls

I know what the do-gooders say, but for me, employing only elves has been a great strategy. I bulk-buy uniforms in the same size, and all the equipment is built to accommodate a vertically challenged workforce, so I can fit five extra floors into my factory. I don't allow sexist attitudes, however. The local Elves Institute branch posed topless for a charity calendar a few years back, and some workers wanted to hang it on the factory floor. I had to put my boot down. After seeing Miss December, I didn't think I'd ever eat mince pies again.

7 Exploit your unique selling point

Do you really believe it's just chance that some obscure professor conducts academic research every year that proves what I achieve on Christmas Eve is impossible? Of course not. I send anonymous letters suggesting that it isn't possible for Santa Claus to deliver presents to 3 bn children in one night, or roughly 822.6 visits per second. Then lo and behold - I'm a hero again.

8 Be seen to be green

I haven't always been the biggest fan of reindeer power. When the combustion engine was first invented, I did consider swapping, but today the reindeer are viewed as a real positive. Nobody ever complains about the unnecessary air miles I undertake - and let's not mention the emissions from the reindeer, especially after they eat all the carrots left out for them.

9 Work with animals - they are popular

I have to admit that the reindeer have been good for me, particularly in the UK, where they're mad about their pets. And I got lucky when I picked Rudolf. Who would have known a defective red nose was going to be such an attraction? Costs me a fortune in Vicks, mind you.

10 Year-long campaigns are boring

I once had a small business adviser who recommended that I needed to make quarterly appearances to smooth out my earnings profile. Try telling that to the Easter Bunny!

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