CorpComms Magazine

Any sensible public relations consultant has certain would-be clients they will not take on under any circumstances. There are those who never listen to advice, and others who will not engage with the press. Then there are individuals who flout so many laws that it simply is not possible to defend them.

But on top of the pile, and such a risk that even the most seasoned crisis manager won't touch him, is a fat old man whose whole operation is an accident waiting to happen. He breaks all the age and race discrimination rules, refuses to appoint successors, and has failed to update his image for over 200 years.

You have probably mentally drawn up a roster of FTSE 100 chairmen by now, but the world's worst client does not list his business on any stock exchange. He wears a lot of red and gets

a lot of publicity at this time of year. Yes, you've got it - top of the 'do not touch this man with a bargepole' list is Santa Claus.

Don't look so surprised. He might be festive, he might be iconic, and he might have appeared in more Coca-Cola adverts than any basketball star, but Santa Claus is a PR disaster.

Strip away the nostalgia and the 'ho ho ho's and what you have is an old man with boozy breath who frightens children. If Santa is to make his way into the 21st century with style and

without a thousand lawsuits, he is going to need a lot of work.

Style counsel

David Yates, partner at PR firm Financial Dynamics, is a brave man. He knows exactly where he would start when it comes to making Santa Claus acceptable to investors. 'The City doesn't

trust facial hair, so that's got to come off,' he says.

He has a point. How many bearded CEOs do you know? And if you think an exception could be made for Santa, think again. Yates is ruthless on Santa's image. 'Clothing is a major problem - the red suit and hat are way over the top, and the boots need to be replaced with lace-ups.'

Even toning down Santa's clothing will not be enough. 'There is a clear perception issue - nobody over five believes in him,' Yates continues. 'He is never available for press and analyst meetings, and seems to think that turning up once a year will do the job.'

It's a harsh but arguably fair appraisal. Perhaps an annual analysts' day in Lapland is needed? The number crunchers could take a trip on a sleigh, feed Rudolph and count the teddy bears and Pokemon card sets on the elves' production line.

Santa could then issue an interim trading statement about the number of households he will visit this year: 'Trading conditions are challenging, but all indications are that our new end-to-end supply chain solution will help us to deliver the logistical success demanded by you, our

shareholders. We wish you all a prosperous festive season with Santa Claus Inc.'

But before any shareholder would even consider investing, there are a few major legal issues the Father Christmas conglomerate needs to tackle. Helena Derbyshire, a specialist in employment law and partner at major law firm Shoosmiths, is worried about the elves and their working conditions.

'Santa is likely to be in breach of the Working Time Regulations. Even if they have signed working time opt-outs, the elves should take at least eleven hours between shifts - and this could cause real problems in the run-up to Christmas. The elves should also be working no more

than eight hours a shift overnight.'

Short shrift

Elves are also very short, so maybe Father Christmas should be taking a trip to Halfords. 'It depends on their age - do the elves have booster seats on the sleigh, and has Santa installed seat belts for everyone?' asks Derbyshire.

Further, Santa and his immigrant elves could be in trouble with HM Revenue & Customs if their paperwork isn't in order.

'Is Santa satisfied that he and all his elves have immigration clearance to work in each of the countries on their route?' Derbyshire enquires. 'Now that Finland is part of the European Economic Area he shouldn't have any trouble in the UK, but there could be a problem further afield.'

Oddly, Derbyshire thinks Santa 0would have a strong case in the realm of age and sex discrimination. 'This is one of the few jobs where being over a certain age and male is a genuine occupational requirement,' she asserts. 'But it does remind me of the possibly apocryphal

tale of a department store owner who worried that his advertisement for a Santa Claus could lay him open to sexism claims from would-be Mrs Christmases.

'When writing the advert, he therefore left the question of the sex of the applicant open. It read: The person, if female, should have (a) a deep voice; (b) whiskers; (c) a big belly; and (d) no readily discernible bosom. 'My only concern is that if our choice is limited to such a candidate, I fear for our children, who will doubtless be terrified.'

Derbyshire's colleague, Ron Reid, is a health and safety expert. He reckons Santa needs to tick a good few boxes before he'll be deemed a good employer.

These include providing compulsory manual handling training for all the elves and Santa himself, and checking that all roofs are safe to work on. Santa will also need a driving partner if he is working all night, since driving reindeer while fatigued is definitely dangerous.

'Has he consulted with his elves about health and safety matters under the Consultation regulations?' Reid asks. Then there is the environmental liability for reindeer waste, the possibility that Santa might be sued under the Trade Descriptions Act if he does not bring the right presents, and the fear that he may be supplying alcoholic gifts without a licence.

Present tense

Reid isn't the only one who is concerned by Santa's gift giving policy. Yates points out that, since all gifts now need to be disclosed, there is a major problem with Santa's business model.

Santa's annual strategy is also an issue: 'Endlessly repetitive performance - it's the same story year after year, with no visible signs of progress,' says Yates. And then there's his appearances in public: 'He needs to work on his dull public-speaking technique, where he seems able only to use the word 'ho' three times.' Finally, Yates warns that the last nail in Santa's coffin may be his lack of forward thinking. 'It's a one-man show and he's not getting any younger,' says Yates. 'He must think about succession planning.'

Phew! It seems Santa needs lots of advice if he's to make it big in the brave new world of brands and regulations. But it's best to leave a prospective client on a positive note, so here is a

thought from William Arruda, brand consultant and president of Reach Communications. 'Santa Claus is the envy of brand managers everywhere. His brand attributes are clear and desirable

to virtually everyone. Even parts of the world with no connection to the holiday know who he is and what he stands for.

'As a model brand, we know what Santa Claus represents; his values and passions are clear and consistent. Ask a group of colleagues or friends to describe Santa Claus' attributes, and virtually everyone will use the same words: jolly, generous, hard-working, collaborative, giving, fair.'

So he is doing something right. But he needs to lose the beard, get a lawyer and work on his trading statements. After all, a 21st-century brand is for life, not just for Christmas.

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